9:0! (My Butt Hurts)

We were whitewashed 9:0 by some ‘uncle’ team yesterday. This catastrophic defeat was demoralizing – not a good start for a new team.

Several of our players played with one another for the first time and it showed. There was a lack of communication. Apart from our keeper, nobody was willing to shout to his teammates. Poor teamwork caused many passes to be misplaced; players were out of position and failed to support their teammates in defence and attack.

We played decently for the first ten minutes but collapsed after they scored their first goal. In truth, they had a few chances and should have scored already. Our centre backs failed to clear the ball and their striker hammered his shot past our goalkeeper via a deflection.

They scored a second after we made another defensive mistake.

Our keeper made a flurry of one-on-one saves but was shockingly penalized for shouting to his defenders. Our wall disintegrated and they slipped the free kick in.

We conceded a fourth before the break.

During half-time we spoke about what went wrong in the firs half. Lance tried to put a positive spin on things but I doubted anybody was actually listening. There was a sense of defeat but we consoled ourselves. Apparently we expected it because this was the first time we played together. Talk about being positive.

The second half saw a shocking deterioration in our play. After I dived to head the cross wide from six yards following fantastic movement on the left flank, we went to hell. They dominated the play and we didn’t and couldn’t get stuck in. Our No. 18 tried his best to hold the central midfield but he fought against overwhelming odds.

They kept pressing and scored a few goals in quick succession. The myopic ref contributed to our decline but we were primarily at fault in this debacle. First, they won most of the high balls. Many of us seemed to fear aerial challenges and there was nobody to pick up the loose balls. Second, as a unit we weren’t compact enough. We spread our lines apart and didn’t put enough pressure on them. Third, our propensity to play the ball to the left was a weakness. We didn’t switch play. My winger was so depressed he asked me to play up while he took my right-back position. I didn’t have much luck either. Nobody wanted to pass the ball to the right (perhaps we had rabies)? Fourth, our defence were at sixes and sevens. Our inability to hold a tight line, compounded by the ease in which they bypassed our midfield, meant that we were constantly on the back foot. Fifth, our lack of fitness was absolutely disgraceful. Most of us are in our early twenties and to be given the run-about by a team at least several years our senior was appalling.

There were other problems, such as our inability to defend set pieces. They got a couple from set-plays because some people played with a lot of fear. Fear of the player he was marking and fear of his own ability to deal with the incoming ball.

Six or seven goals down our keeper decided he had enough and swapped positions with our left-back (also a keeper). It didn’t help matters; we were pushing for a consolation. We had a free kick but we failed to capitalize on it. Then we had a corner and my challenge on the keeper carried the ball over the line – no goal. I somehow took a knock on my butt and my hip flexors hurt abominably. I asked to be substituted because their winger on my side was fast and I didn’t want to deal with him without my pace.

We let in more goals. It could have hit a two-digit result but our stand-in keeper made a few very good stops. Their bench were very excited throughout the game. They were gloating and it was hard to take. (They will pay for it one day.)

In the end, the result, if you didn’t know already: Nine to nothing.


The Referee

In football, it is customary to blame the referee after a defeat:

The ref was undoubtedly the Man of the Match. They were playing with 12 men and the extra man counted. During half-time the ref went into their dressing room. We don’t know what he was doing there but after the interval more decisions went their way.

The other team were awarded an indirect free kick after the ref adjudged that our keeper’s shout to his defenders to leave the ball was ‘illegitimate’. (You mean the keeper CANNOT COMMUNICATE with his defenders?!) They scored from the free kick. We protested to the ref but he claimed that he had taken a ‘course’ and if we weren’t happy we could verify it with the Football Association of Singapore (FAS). Either he was a lying bastard or the examiners at the FAS were a bunch of imbeciles. It is likely that the only course he had taken was an ‘intercourse’ in Geylang. It was obvious he could not score in a whorehouse.

His inability to read time on his watch was an indictment of his sheer incompetence. We played the first half in 30 minutes. He realized his mistake (maybe someone told him) and we played close to an hour in the second.

They were never ruled offside in the game. Every ball they played to their forwards was a brilliant through ball and if they were ten yards beyond our defensive line, it was because they had the breathtaking speed to take them ten yards in a split second. Usain Bolt beware!

I challenged their keeper for a corner. He caught the ball just on the goal-line but our momentum carried him and the ball over the line. Despite calls for a goal, the ref hurriedly waved for the keeper to GET OUT and kick it away. He wore a worried look on his face and I think maybe there were some things he didn’t want to look too closely at – or admit.

Towards the end of the game the ref allowed the other team to make substitutions but denied us the chance to do so. It was inexplicable. Obviously he was on the books and maybe if we had paid him more than what he was offered, it could have gone the other way.

The ref shouldn’t have gotten paid for his abject and dubious performance. If anything, he should compensate us. This is the last time we are getting this idiot.


I can’t wait for our next game. I hope we won’t get a moron for a ref. Never mind the trashing. If we apply ourselves properly I don’t see why we can’t get a positive result.