Bamboo Goalposts

Join Rowan Simons as he recounts his two decades in China and his struggle to teach its masses to love The Beautiful Game. Inconceivable but true (and not without irony), the football revolution has swept to every corner of the globe – except the land of its inventors. Indignant as only an Englishman could be, Simons sets about his own football revolution in a country where it was illegal for more than ten people to congregate for even sports without official approval.

More than just being ‘another football book’, Bamboo Goalposts charts China’s sociocultural and economic evolution and the catastrophes which have prevented Chinese football from taking root and flourishing. Simon’s frustration is all too palpable as he fights what is often a lone battle against the incompetence of sports officials and the antipathy of the Chinese people towards the sport. Although Bamboo Goalposts is depressing in parts, Simons’s optimism and British wit pull the book from the chasm of despair and injects it with such verve that it becomes irresistibly compelling.

Unlike many foreign writers on China, Simons is not a mere dabbler; he immerses himself heart and soul in his adopted culture. His insight into the Chinese way of life will astonish both Chinese and laowai readers in the way his determination to bring football to China is inspiring to all.

Bamboo Goalposts is a must read for all football and China aficionados. Go get it today!

Rating: 5/5

A Few Sexy Commercials

Time for some sexy commercials!

Random Jabbering

Despite being offered an improved contract, Pienaar had decided to leave Everton for Spurs. While some fans are criticizing him for his apparent lack of loyalty, I cannot blame him. If your company (gulag if you will) is going nowhere and a rival company which is on the up offers you a job with better pay and perks, would you choose to stay? As far as I am concerned, Pienaar had been a consummate professional during the time he was with us and I wish him well.

If the blame game is to played, the finger should rightly be pointed to our despicable and incompetent chairman and his equally despicable and incompetent cronies on his management team. Why is it that despite ‘looking for investment 24/7’, Everton has not found a rich benefactor or investor to take us forward while ‘lesser’ clubs like Sunderland and Villa continue to outspend us? The only additions to our squad are loanees and it seems we have to sell before we can even borrow. This depressing situation does not bode well for the club. In a couple of seasons we may be vying for the title in the Championship. It is hard to love Everton, even harder to want to love it.

The Student and I met with the Praying Mantis Master’s wife two weeks ago. Over slop we discussed the viability of her husband setting up a martial arts school in this shithole. The lady told us that during the first year the master would come over and teach a group of dedicated students. They will practise on their own for a few months each time until he comes back.

I was not convinced about this model but she was confident of its chances. She said that they have been doing quite well in Australia and with the population size and growth rate in Shithole, they should have no problems getting students. Moreover, they will be offering classes to all age groups and people with different intents and interests. I suggested we draw up a business plan first before staking it out. In business, nothing is certain. A model which works in one country does not mean it will work in another. They are counting on their customers to be proactive and enthusiastic on their own and my experience setting up atheist groups have taught me that people are inherently lazy, selfish, and unmotivated. The teaching of different martial arts to many age groups, customer types, and so forth is essentially a mass-customization strategy. Without sufficient resources, it is simply impossible to be implemented. They also neglected to look at the costs and marketing.

Although the lady assure me that the first year is a ‘testing’ year so no expenses would be incurred, then what about the airfare of the master and the rental costs of training grounds? With regards to marketing, they did not seem to have any plan in place. While they may have won many trophies in Australia, how will they measure up to their competitors, which are made up of new age gyms and traditional martial arts schools? I don’t know if the Student feels the same way, but I dare say he will just plough on ahead. He is idealistic and not realistic. Unless they come up with a strong business plan, I am not going to invest too much of my time (assuming I do deign to do charity work here) into this venture.

Day by Day Armageddon Beyond Exile

The second book of the Day by Day Armageddon series continues the tale of a ragtag band of survivors of a post-zombie apocalypse.

Written in diary form, it describes with vivid details the struggles of the protagonist, a U.S. naval officer, and his band as they seek to survive in an increasingly bleak world swarming with new and dangerous threats. Radiated zombies and raiders blight the desolate landscape; the remnants of military vie for power, and the need for supplies grow ever more desperate. With every turn of the page, the reader is assaulted by the desolation of the ravaged landscape. The narration brilliantly conveys the hopelessness and fear the protagonist feels as he fights his way across miles of zombie-infested wasteland.

Although the military jargon may confuse non-military readers, its inclusion imparts flavor. A U.S. naval officer himself, J. L. Bourne puts his military knowledge, tactical mindset and imagination to great effect, creating realistic scenarios beyond the ken of many would-be zombie writers.

Although an absorbing read, Beyond Exile pales slightly in comparison to its prequel in terms of sheer adrenaline pumping action. The story gets awfully slow at certain points; the tedium perhaps an unwanted effect of drawing emphasis to the mental turmoil the protagonist suffers. Bourne is a relatively new writer and he will improve with practice. I cannot wait for the release of his third book: Into Dragon’s Maw.

Rating: 3.5/5

Derby Day Draw

The Merseyside derby:

SHITE: 2 EVERTON: 2

Trailing by a goal in the first half, we came back in the second half and battered them. Moyes grew a pair and started with two strikers. Cahill, Pienaar, Jags, and Saha were unavailable and fucking Dalglish still can't get a win under his belt.

The Shite will win NOTHING this season!

A Couple of Good Cats

I saw this darling while waiting for my friend.

This kitty can be found down my block.

First Post of 2011

Last Saturday my mates and I played football in NUS. A group of Vietnamese students challenged us to a game. We accepted and duly lost. They were prepared to get stuck in and we were not.

It was always going to be difficult. My mates, who are not known for being physically fit and mentally competitive, were outrun, outthought, outfought, and outclassed from the first minute. I yelled at a couple of my mates and they were not too happy with me. They probably thought I was being too serious about a ‘friendly’ kickabout. Well, our Vietnamese opponents were also being ‘friendly’ but that did not stop them from battling as a team and battering us. Our tackling was virtually non-existent. When it came it was half-arsed. Too often I found myself defending against two or three opponents without my teammates showing even the slightest inclination to fall back and help out.

It could have been a humiliating rout; my heroic efforts turned it into a mere loss. If any women were watching our game, they would have concluded that Shitholer males are pathetic. Two years in the army and a bunch of young lads could not even play a football game without huffing and puffing like they are going to suffer an asthmatic attack any moment. A few years of playing together and they play like they barely knew one another from Adam. More than a few years of kicking a ball around and a few cannot even execute a pass farther than five metres without bungling the job.

In conclusion, Shitholer males are physically weak and I have no intention of being associated with that ilk.


My wayward friend Fuzz Car told me he is going for a job interview at some semiconductor firm next/this Thursday. He wanted to know what questions the interviewer may ask. I gave him a few pointers and he replied saying that he ‘knew’ this and that. If he had known these things why did he ask me in the first place. Seriously, knowing that some of his church mates are professionals, it might be better for him to consult them. Chicken said that our friend ought to be re-educated and I could not agree more. What have they been teaching him? I guess that since he is a carrot to Thai whores it is a reasonable assumption that his church mates have been treating him the same way.

The Holy Land is the best place for slop, as Chicken and I discovered long ago.

Forget about the French and Italians! The Chinese are the best cooks!