Gold!

When I woke up this morning I felt suicidal. I had to clear my annual physical fitness test. After a quick breakfast of coffee (holy water) and eggs, I dragged my weary body out of the door. I thought it would be an arduous formality.

Surprisingly, there were not many people taking the test with me - I estimated a few hundred. The registration was fast and efficient and the briefing by the chief physical instructor was succinct. The waiting time was only 30 minutes or so (anyone who has served the army would know this is extraordinarily fast.)

So onwards to the static stations: sit-ups, jumping, chin-ups and sprinting. Everything was electronic. You had a number tag, which had a slot you must put your ID card into and then you had to place the whole thing at the test station you were taking. Do your best (or worst). Your result would be registered electronically. The instructors were only there to make sure nobody tried to be "creative."

I nearly scored full marks for the test, but for the jumping. On my first attempt I was denied full points when the system registered a "fault line." Apparently the toe of my boot had brushed the starting line. My second attempt was poorer, but it was still enough to secure me the points necessary in my pursuit of gold. I could have made another attempt, out of pride, but there is no difference between winning 1:0 and winning 3:0. You still get three points.

One champion did around 20 repetitions at the chin-up station. From the effortless way he went up and down, this human yoyo might have done 30 if the attending instructor had not told him to stop. Apparently the system had problems with the excessively high count. I say this guy was nuts. Even if he was aiming for full points he could have just done 12. Why not save his energy for the 1.5 mile run? I guess strange people are everywhere.

Within 20 to 30 minutes I had cleared the four stations with the minimum of fuss. What next was the BIG ONE.

The 1.5 mile route was conducted on the ground floor of a multi-storey carpark. The person who thought of this should be promoted. Unlike at most other test centres, people could take their 1.5 mile run regardless of the weather. In addition, the terrain was flat and there were no spills, depressions, crevices and other conditions that may upset a runner.

I felt like giving up during my second lap but my need for cash pushed me on. There was also the additional motivation of bragging about it to my colleague when I turn up for work on Monday (We male animals are egoistic creatures.) It was not my best performance - I needed a lap or two to get acquainted with the route - but I got what I came for.

When I got the result slip which confirmed I can add an entry in my Account Receiveable, I felt a measure of relief. Surely, for me to do remedial training just because I missed the test would have been an utter travesty.

My unbeaten streak continues, and when I am in another age category the test will be even easier for me. As I am typing this in my university library's computer room, I feel sexy and beautiful. (Unfortunately there are not many sexy and/or beautiful broads around. Hell, in fact there are none.)

I shall go for football soon. I shall play my usual game, which is negative football and quite like tennis. Ball comes to me, ball goes back. Roger Federer should come and see me play. The things he would pick up will help him cement his place as the greatest ever in tennis. I hope there are good-looking broads in SP. I hope to see the balls bounce and may they be big, firm and beautifully spherical.