It's a Funny Old Game.

The football results are better than what I expected. After 14 months and 32 matches unbeaten at home the Shite were murdered 3:1 by Chelski. This splendid and uplifting result means that the Shite will need to score at least three times and win by two clear goals to go through. A similar scoreline in their favor takes the tie to extra time. Will Stamford Bridge come falling down like London Bridge? Fat chance.

While you are at it, put trash where it belongs.

Barcelona cemented their place in the semis by annihilating Bayern Munich. But for some wasteful finishing the score line should have been much worse than the 4:0 debacle the Germans suffered. The return leg should be a formality. Barca can afford to lose by three goals – which they won’t.

A day earlier, FC Porto showed that the World and European champions ManUre are a grossly overrated side. Led by a striker nicknamed the Hulk, the 2004 Champions League winners pulverized the 2008 winners on their own ground. Only profligate finishing and a horrendous defensive lapse threw ManUre a lifeline. Now the Red Devils have to become the first side to slay the Dragons at the Dragon. And they have to content with the Hulk too.

After being played off the park at Villarreal, the Arse were in danger of being torpedoed by the Yellow Submarines. However, a spectacular goal by Adebayor cancelled out an early 25 metre missile from the home side. Now it’s to the Emirates. Advantage Arsenal. Will the Cannons sink the Submarines? Stay tuned.


Back to the English Premiership. Everton whitewashed Wigan 4:0 last Saturday and will attempt to achieve a positive result at Villa Park on Sunday. While a similar scoreline seems impossible, Moyes will no doubt be telling his lads – to borrow a famous Anarchist slogan – to demand the impossible. The Villains’ recent form is so wretched that they remind one of Newcastle, but for the different strip. After leading 2:1 at Old Trafford they let in an equaliser in the last ten minutes and conceded the winner in injury time. Given the Sunday encounter between the two sides is a six-pointer which may well decide who gets fifth and sixth, the Blues might as well go for it. The Shite disgraced the ManUre 4:1 in their own backyard. We can do the same to the Vanilla Milkshakes on theirs.

The Barcode Army has had their share of Messiahs over the years. Kevin ‘I’d luv it if we beat ‘em’ Keegan, charming old salt Bobby Robson, hopelessly inept Graeme Sourness, foul-mouthed Joe Kinnear of the Crazy Gang fame and the world record holder of using the most number of the word ‘fuck’ in a press interview, had tried and failed to lead the ‘Best Club in the World’ (sniggers) to where they belong (the exact location is still a source of great academic debate in the pubs of Tyneside.) Now, Mr. Premiership Alan Shearer has signed on to make sure they don’t end up in the First Division next season.

They take their football seriously in those parts.

The drama at Newcastle just doesn’t get any better. Club owner Mike Ashley, a target for vitriol in recent months has seemingly pulled a rabbit of out of the hat by installing the Premiership’s best ever goal scorer and local hero to try to save a team of jokers mired in the relegation battle. Upon his installation, Shearer’s stature immediately grew to even more majestic proportions when he got rid of the much hated Dennis Wise who was earning an astronomical amount at his post of Director of football (whatever that is), and forced the reviled owner Mike [insert your expletive] Ashley to clear the air.

Despite a home defeat by Chelski, Shearer remains hopeful. ‘We are not playing Chelsea every week,’ is the best post-defeat motivation speech I have heard in a long while. (The next time my Sunday league football team lose I’m going to say the same thing.) Shearer has seven games left to save the Barcode Army. They next play fellow relegation candidates Stoke City. It’s a six-pointer and neither side can afford any slip-ups. Stoke City’s agricultural brand of football – enter the human sling Rory Delap – will provide a bruising examination of the Barcode Army’s flimsy defence. When the Black and White get battered black and blue, what will Shearer say? ‘We are not playing Stoke City every week’?

Indeed, Newcastle will not be playing Premiership football every week very soon. I like Shearer; I grew up watching him score goals for fun. As a player he has an exemplary resume, but in his first - and possibly last – experience as manager, the black mark of relegation on his managerial credentials will be indelible.

What Newcastle really need: players like this.