Trying to be a Tiger

It is the Year of the Tiger and everybody wants to be jolly Tiger Woods. John Terry bedded his teammate’s ride; CAshley Cole had phone sex with some hussy; now local – and not so funny anymore – comedian Jack decides to rediscover his touch by making public his affair with a kiss-and-tell bitch 28 years his junior.

The precise details of their ill-fated, torrid and obscene copulations are currently a matter of national interest. Amid the conjectures of the uninformed and voyeuristic masses, one question stands out: How in the Hells did Jack bring himself to bang such an ugly strumpet?

Indeed, if the tart were to stand at some obscure lorong in the seedy district of Desker, I doubt that she would even be accosted by cheap and smelly blackamoors. According to the tabloids, this unimpressive specimen, horribly resplendent with her flat chest and a maw of a greedy mouth, had been a model. Of which ill-fated agency she belonged to, I know not. Since its standards were so low as to be non-existent, it probably closed down long ago. Then again, many local models are plain Janes who will not warrant a second look from people of impeccable taste. This sad fact only serves to illustrate how hopeless this Shithole and its aesthetically repulsive its denizens are.

While I am in no position to comment on his matrimonial integrity, there are two things that absolutely get my goat. First, after his extraordinary feat of mounting (and being mounted by) this phenomenally shameless bipedal bitch for two years, Jack allows himself to be threatened by this lower animal. A man with back bone would have told the tart that fun time is over and ‘daddy ain’t gonna give you pony rides no more.’ Since she was already being so brazen by confronting him at his home and going public with their affair, why not just fight fire with fire and denounced her for a lousy lay and he had to fake orgasms when he spurted into her loose crevices?

Second: Why in the Hells did he have to bring a charlatan to the reconciliation table? Surely Jack, his wife and this brazen hussy should be able to trash things out on their own (or trash one another). What good was a faith-head good for, save to mutter some irrelevant drivel? It makes one wonder to whom Jack was shedding his crocodile tears. Was he trying to show the world that he was truly repentant and therefore a moral man by asking his deity for forgiveness? Bill Clinton did the same thing when he was embroiled in the Lewinsky scandal. When you have religion, you can get away with anything. You can be a participant in the Nanjing Massacre; the Holocaust; and the My Lai atrocities, but you can easily mitigate your crimes and absolve yourself of all sins by invoking Gawd. It is hypocritical and spineless behavior. If he were truly sorry, he should have apologized to his wife instead of resorting to this charade. A real man does not need balls of steel, Gawd, or the company of a religious parasite to say sorry to someone he has wronged. Conscience is all that is required, and sadly, this JACKASS clearly has none.