Victory at Last!

After the 9:0 fiasco at the start of the year, AS23 – if I had my way, Perverts FC – rebound to record an unlikely 3:2 win.

AS23’s direct style of play pinned the Bonitos in their own half in the first 45 minutes. The Bonitos were largely restricted to punting long hopeful balls forward. With their dominance, AS23 created many chances, but for some erratic finishing, could have found themselves 3:0 ahead within the first 30 minutes.

The weather deteriorated and the wet conditions caused both set of players to play at a fast and furious pace. The pressure mounted and it seemed ominous that the floodgate, like the weather, opened inevitably.

When the goal came, it was from the most unlikely of sources. Kumar, who was filling in at rightback, arrived at the far post to finish with aplomb. It was a well deserved reward for a player who had been sterling throughout the game.

Not to be outdone, Joe charged into the penalty area from the left to blast the ball past a hapless Bonitos keeper. A fantastic goal.

The second half was delayed due to the rain. After the lightning risk was cleared, the game resumed.

Both teams changed their personnel at half time but in the early exchanges, it was Bonitos who proved more effective in their tactical switch.

Within five minutes, they were levelled. AS23 made a mess defending a straightforward corner and were duly punished. Then Bonitos’ left winger tore down the left flank, and with the entire AS23 backline in attendance, somehow still found sufficient space to squeeze his shot past the AS23 custodian.

Worse was to come when a Bonitos striker was adjudged to have been fouled in the box. However, much to the delight of AS23, the resulting penalty hit the post.

More drama was to follow. Great work on the left wing found the AS23 winger cut in. Just when he was about to turn however, he was tripped. AS23 wasted the spot kick.

With the game heading for a draw, the action was end-to-end. Either side could have snatched it. The Bonitos goalie made a miraculous save to keep out a header from a yard out. Where tenacious defending failed, the AS23 keeper came to his side’s rescue with a couple of smart saves. Wasteful finishing from both sides brought howls of frustration from the touchlines.

The substitutes from AS23, by this time had began to exert their influence. The pitched midfield battle swung slightly in AS23’s advantage. A free kick was awarded 25 yards on the left centre of the pitch. With a dramatic swing of his right boot, Shineboi sent his side into raptures. The sheer pace and the skid of the ball on the slippery surface proved too much for the Bonitos keeper to handle.

AS23 endured a few nervy moments, but they held on to record an improbable victory.

Truly, and I say it again here, this is better than sex.

Long Live the Curve

I have avoided the drop! Cries of jubilation! The sheer relief! Unbelievable! I checked the table a couple of times. Aye, my eyes did not deceive me, my feverish mind sufficiently clear, barely could I suppress my elation, as I stared at the table again, again and again.

It’s like Hull City all over again. Hopeless for most of the season, unable to lift themselves even on the final day against a second string ManUre side, but they stayed up because their rivals lost. Undeserved, but how they celebrated at the final whistle.

It doesn’t matter how I did it, but I won’t care. The result is all that matters. It has been a long and torturous season. At times I didn’t enjoy the rub of the green. I was blatantly robbed and I could barely rouse myself for the final game, so demoralized I was. I was mediocre, I admit that, but like Phil Brown and all who love Hull City, it doesn’t matter if you play like trash, You can go without a win in 20 matches but if at the start of the season someone told me I would avoid relegation, I would have shaken his hands.

The celebrations will carry on long into the night. The pyrotechnics! The carnival, the dancing girls, the sheer madness and ineffable ecstasy! It had been most improbable, but I have beaten the drop. I shall be playing in the top flight next season. No doubt it’s a self-indulging fest, but hopeless or not, I don’t care. Just let me survive. I am shameless.

Truly, this is better than sex.

Mister B. Gone

Embark on an odyssey of wickedness with the demon Jakabok Botch. Bound within a book by powerful magics, the Botch pleads for his own destruction as he recounts his tale.

Wretched even by the standards of his infernal kin, the grotesque creature barely escapes the wrath of his merciless father and the hostile environs of his hellish home. Rescued by the demon Quitoon from a slow and agonizing death, the infernal pair makes their way in the mortal world, spreading strife wherever they go.

A strange twist of fate brings Botch to the obscure town of Mainz. Caught in a war between angels and demons, Botch finds himself on his own. Botch's propensity for getting himself into tight situations will astonish the reader. His inner struggles with himself, depraved at times, strangely endearing in others, is a fascinating dichotomy.

Although a fascinating read, this narration is a let-down due to its dearth of atrocities. The momentous event that nearly brought Armageddon is mundane and hardly worth the fuss. For all the potential of its theme, the story tapers off towards the end. It is a poor man’s Faust, and even then, not quite.

Despite its shortcomings, Mister B. Gone is a valiant effort by Barker to portray the human side even irredeemable evil has. Readers who have grown sick of heroic fantasy and tales of derring-do will find Mister B. Gone a villainously refreshing book.

Rating: 3/5

About Ed

Yesterday during football, Ed told us that 987 FM was organizing a beach party at Siloso Beach, Sentosa. As the entrance fee was free, it might be a good idea to go there to enjoy ourselves.

Shineboi thought it was a good idea and readily agreed to it. The Animal was non-committal because his girlfriend was conscious about prancing around on a beach in a bikini. (If I were a girl and had her figure I would feel the same as well.) Still, he could have gone ahead. I don’t know if he went but seriously, what is the point of having a girlfriend and losing your freedom as a result?

Anyway, The Idea was passed around the guys many times while we waited for our turn on the court. We joked about it, about the shit we would (or would not) do there, about the place overcrowded with smelly ‘blackies’, about how wild inebriated girls could get, the kind of shit high-school or college students would normally joke about when they are half-fantasizing, at the back of their mind, that ‘tonight I might just get lucky’.

Another guy said he wanted in. Considering the amount of discussion and the fact that it was to be on a Saturday night, the response was lukewarm. The reason is obvious: No girls. Why would a bloke want to go to a party, get squeezed in with the crowd, try to look like they are enjoying the company of his fellow blokes and ogling other people’s broads? It’s inexplicable.

Some people are not meant to be singles. Ed is one of them. He should get a girlfriend. Why go to some stupid beach party for no good reason other than to humour some secret need to score with some broads? It’s not like he’s going to walk up to one and ask for her number or something. What is so difficult about getting a girlfriend? True, some guys have this stupid mental block when they talk to girls, others are downright ugly, but if you have a bunch of friends who are sincere about helping you hook up, half the battle is won. Unfortunately, Ed does not seem to have any of such friends. Being his friends we have let him down. We sorry bastards.

I am not saying that he cannot get a partner – okay he cannot. To the Hells with the politically correct horseshit. I mean, this is a guy who just graduated with a degree in business (well-educated), went to Australia for a ‘road-trip’ (wild and romantic spirit) before he embarks on his career. A tight budget made him and his friends eat instant noodles (thrifty) while they were in Down Under, and when he returned he quarantined himself because he feared he had the swine flu (responsible).

Personality-wise he is not domineering or anal-retentive. He is just one of the boys, doing normal things, talking normal things and being normal. Hell, even his political facts and understanding of the totalitarian country he lives in are straight from the social studies textbook. Moderate, not overly critical, certainly not dumb, does sports, a teetotaler, no vices (at least not that I know of), a normal fellow. He may not be tall, dark and handsome, but he is certainly way beyond of what I looked like when I had my funny looking dental ASSets.

If ornery whoresons can find themselves a girl, I don’t see why such a morally upright (I mean this in a loose sense, taking into consideration our prevailing moral and social ‘values’) cannot ‘break the duck’. There is obviously something very wrong with the world. Or is it just our females?

I think women in general are too defensive. As Alex ‘Hitch’ Hitchens rants at Sarah Melas in Hitch, ‘Do you know why falling in love is so damn difficult? It’s because you women are so damn defensive!” ( cannot remember the exact line, but you get the point.) Some women think that a guy who talks to her is either tying to sell insurance, peddle Gawd to her or try to score with her. It has not occurred to their ROYAL HIGHNESS that the guy who talks to them may be just be doing what he appears to be doing - talk. Why slam the door straight in the guy’s face?

Maybe another reason why women behave like this (now I am referring to the local breed) is due to our culture. Contrary to what the regime would have you believe, Singapore is NOT a caring society. People are just commodities, they treat others like commodities, they think in terms of dollars and cents, they are afraid to lose and this applies in love as well. Forget about romantic love in this country. It’s all about pragmatism. No money no honey. From the evolutionary point of view this is not irrational. Females prefer good providers so that they can pass on their genes in relative safety. You may argue that females are getting more promiscuous so what of this evolutionary impulse. You are not wrong. However, there is a difference between finding a prick on a Saturday night for your five minutes of pleasure and finding a provider who is admittedly, more lasting, even in the modern day context of increasing divorce rate. The former is not taking any real chances, save pregnancy and STDs. There is normally no emotional baggage in a good fuck. In love people have to open up their life, and when you open up you risk getting hurt.

Having said that are many people happily (and not so happily) attached as we speak. There are also people who look upon every weekend with dread because they are lonely. Sad , but true. I don’t know about Ed. If he doesn’t play football with us every Saturday maybe he would be doing something else. I don’t know, but I am willing to put money on him staring at the four walls in abject fascination.

I see it in his eyes. Ed needs a girl. Somewhere out there is a suitable female for him and all he needs to do is to seek her out. Easier said than done, given his non-adventurous character. I think he just needs to let loose a bit. He does not seem to be very confident but lots of losers have gotten themselves laid. If they can score, why not Ed?

On a last note, I shall try to be a true friend and advertise his availability here on this obscure blog. I don’t expect success, but people do strike it rich in the lottery despite the odds.

At the risk of sounding like a bloody MSN pop-up ad:

Singapore, male, 25 years old, 1.7m, 55kg, degree in business, friendly, nice, sensitive, faithful, sporty, appreciates the simple pleasures in life. Looking for a nice girl.

Please leave your contact details in the Hate Mail or in the comments. You may also contact me at falloutmeow@gmail.com

All details will be kept strictly confidential.

Cell

H.G Wells would have been proud with this modern retelling of his classic War of the Worlds.

The world goes to Hell on the day Clay Riddell, a comic book artist, gets his big break. The Pulse turns cell phones into Weapons of Mass Destruction, causing their users to lose their memory and sanity.

After an initial bloody encounter, Riddell hooks up with Tom McCourt and Alice Maxwell. The friendship among the trio is punctuated with their individual anxieties. Here King does a superb job. His characters stand out with such vividness you experience their fears and the precious little joy they share as they comfort one another in a post-apocalyptic world.

Follow Riddell, as he finds different groups – the apt pupil and his master, and the ragtag group whom, like Riddell’s are bonded by the dire circumstances they find themselves . Their determination shows their fighting spirit, their care for one another bears testimony to their human character, which in spite of all the flaws, is a light in the dark days ahead.

As the world collapses and the afflicted, or Phonies, stalk the streets in murderous rage, where the people are forlorn and reduced almost to animals, the reader is forced to confront the possibility that our carefully cultivated and rigorously maintained society is no more than a flimsy façade, a dam that can crack any moment, leaving us to drown in its raging waters.

Unlike most King’s books, Cell is filled with scenes of violence and fiery destruction that will please any adrenaline junkie. The destruction of a flock of phone-crazies, followed by swift and brutal repercussion from their kind will have you on the edge of your seat. What sets the carnage apart from mere gore and splatter is the depth of feeling, be it crushing despondency or wild exhilaration that accompany the violence. The in-your-face horror does not diminish the story; it enhances it.

The evolution and subsequent de-evolution of the Phonies, are as darkly compelling as the deliberate charting of civilization’s rapid disintegration and the survivors’ desperation and hopelessness. In the world of the Phonies, the Normies are mad, the only cure to their condition conversion to insanity. One cannot help but be fascinated at how humans, having dominated the world for so long, are now merely cattle, yoked and used without a thought.

To some, the ending may be anti-climatic. Not so for me. King has got it perfectly in the final scene. What begins with hope, ends with hope. The open ending suggests a sequel, and I look forward to it.


Rating: 4/5

Fun with T & T

There are many things we can learn from tortoises and turtles.


The need to exercise. If this fella can do it, so can you lazy potato chip-munching slackers.




Such unwavering determination! This champion puts the rest of us to shame.




If grandma and grandpa can get it on, I don't see why we younglings can't.




I have heard of dildos, vibrators and other sex toys, but this is ridiculous.

Shoppie!

Seeing that my wardrobe was resembling something from a poor-house, I decided it was time for me to get some nice clothes. Fortunately the Singapore Sale was on, and the Lass and Miao happened to be free.

We first went to Causeway Point. We had a strange lunch at Pastamania, where the waitresses all went about their tasks with the vigor of zombies. It took them three tries to get our orders right. I thought they were paid like $2 an hour.

Then with the Lass leading the way, we went around the shops looking for clothes and other accessories. I bought a pair of sexy cute shoe laces and KIV some other items. When we were in the big departmental store there, XH arrived. I was torn between his fashion advice and the opinions the Lass expressed, but in the end, girl power won. You simply don’t argue with a woman when it comes to fashion. Women run the economy. If the bankers were all women we would never have this stupid economic crisis.

I am babbling – okay XH arrived before we went into the store. We had slop at the food court first. (I am 29 going on 92, so excuse my senility.)

Anyway, I got a brown tie and an office belt at the store. The four of us moved on to more shops. It was not my first time shopping with girls but I am always amazed at the variety of female accessories they sell. Necklaces, rings, bracelets, bands, watches, and other items that defy my understanding. It must be both fun and distressing being a woman. So many things to adorn yourself with, and all the colours must match. All the lovely baubles and sexy clothes. I am astonished that they can still retain their sanity!

After we decided we had enough of Causeway Point, we went to the mall next to Sembawang train station. I bought some T-shirts – okay the mall is called Northpoint – and the Lass and Miao helped me look for stuff. The Lass never stopped giving me advice on what to wear and for that I am really grateful. She found her “cool shoes” in the process of teaching a Neanderthal (that’s me). I hope she will get them eventually.

XH left halfway through our shopping. (Bugger still evades the issue of why he didn’t introduce his sexy cousin to me. Sigh…) The three of us went back to Woodlands and did more “see see look look”. We even had dinner together. I think the girls need to eat more. Youngsters need to grow big and strong.

After we got home, we had a conference, of sorts. I achieved the remarkable feat of taking myself wearing three different pairs of jeans and then submitting the photos to my two female panelists for their assessment. It was quite challenging. From where I placed my camera, a good shot of my legs was impossible without having a chair to elevate myself to the required height. If my Sony camera didn’t have a 10 second delay function, I would have to hop onto the chair and risk breaking my neck from a fall. I have done some crazy shit in my life. One more to add to the list.

We talked until two in the morning and then we met at Vivo City at eleven the next day. The Lass, Miao and I were suffering from sleep deprivation but some slop at Long John’s Silver replenished our energy a bit and we carried on our quest. Along the way we took a peek in another big store (like other BIG stores, its name eludes me). We did some shopping and I got a new wallet. My old wallet of five years had finally cracked at the seams and the timing was right for it to be retired.

While transferring the contents of my retired wallet to the new one, we had a look at each other’s university/poly and identification cards. The people in our photos didn’t resemble us one bit. The Lass and I looked like aunties, and Miao was plumper. They had a good laugh at my military and identification cards. I could never get a date back then, was the blunt of jokes and now that I have gotten my teeth fixed and a steel jaw for my agony, there was a sense of déjà vu that my looks could still elicit some guffaws.
The Lass and I were dying to our friend in a dress so we “psycho-ed” her into trying one. Hell, the woman has a waist women would kill for and she does not wear a dress that much. Heart pain lahhhhh…

Talking about trying clothes, I was quite the mannequin (a “cheapo” one in my opinion). The Lass examined me as an empress would at some rare beast and Miao offered her opinion with the air of a court adviser. It’s actually quite fun being fawned over by women, if I may say so myself. All the changing of clothes and the half-assed poses – I didn’t know it’s so much fun.

The Lass and Miao actually share similar tastes in fashion. I think they should shop together more often. It is a match made in the heavens and consummated in the shopping mall. Oh wondrous! I think there is something evolutionary about this “flocking” behavior but never mind, this is a topic for another day.

I thought I would never get anything red in my existence, given my hatred for my national flag and the Shite (for the uninitiated, this means Liverpool FC). Miao told me I didn’t have to give up red for this kind of reason. It’s a good point, but like my prejudice towards pink, this mindset takes time to change.

Or most of the time anyway. In a department store we suddenly saw some hot ties that made us wail that we didn’t come to the place earlier. And guess what? I got a RED tie. My two advisors saw it was beautiful, and I obeyed. (By the way, it’s really beautiful.) I even think I look irresistible to women if I wear it.

Miao even got herself a nice bag – I would swear it was made for her. And yeah, I also got myself an orange shirt – again, the opinions of my advisors carried much weight. If it hadn’t for Miao and the Lass I would never have been so adventurous in my shopping. If we do this on a regular basis I think I may become one of those metrosexual/ulbersexuals/David Beckham.

During the course of our adventure, I discovered that certain items like the EPILATOR and the TONGUE CLEANER do exist. The latter removes body hair by curling it and then pulling it out. (Why not just use a razor?) And the tongue cleaner – who invented these things anyway? They wanted to show me what this contraption looks like, but it was out of stock. OUT OF STOCK! You mean people actually buy these things?!

I will look like my real height if I bother to stand straight. Miao said I look 5 cm taller. Damn. No wonder people rolled their eyes in disbelief when I said I am 1.8m tall.

This is not related to clothes, but we went to the National Geographic shop. They sell really expensive items and I don’t know if people are crazy enough to buy it. Probably. They are even selling photography done by school students. Why not a photo-spread of Denise Milani then? These high-priced ivory-tower popinjays!

These two days have truly been momentous. I had never gone for shopping two days in a row and to cover the distance that we did and the time we spent, it is nothing short of incredible. I want to thank the Lass and Miao for their indefatigable energy, indomitable spirit, endless patience, excellent advice, and last but not least, being great fun.