About Ed

Yesterday during football, Ed told us that 987 FM was organizing a beach party at Siloso Beach, Sentosa. As the entrance fee was free, it might be a good idea to go there to enjoy ourselves.

Shineboi thought it was a good idea and readily agreed to it. The Animal was non-committal because his girlfriend was conscious about prancing around on a beach in a bikini. (If I were a girl and had her figure I would feel the same as well.) Still, he could have gone ahead. I don’t know if he went but seriously, what is the point of having a girlfriend and losing your freedom as a result?

Anyway, The Idea was passed around the guys many times while we waited for our turn on the court. We joked about it, about the shit we would (or would not) do there, about the place overcrowded with smelly ‘blackies’, about how wild inebriated girls could get, the kind of shit high-school or college students would normally joke about when they are half-fantasizing, at the back of their mind, that ‘tonight I might just get lucky’.

Another guy said he wanted in. Considering the amount of discussion and the fact that it was to be on a Saturday night, the response was lukewarm. The reason is obvious: No girls. Why would a bloke want to go to a party, get squeezed in with the crowd, try to look like they are enjoying the company of his fellow blokes and ogling other people’s broads? It’s inexplicable.

Some people are not meant to be singles. Ed is one of them. He should get a girlfriend. Why go to some stupid beach party for no good reason other than to humour some secret need to score with some broads? It’s not like he’s going to walk up to one and ask for her number or something. What is so difficult about getting a girlfriend? True, some guys have this stupid mental block when they talk to girls, others are downright ugly, but if you have a bunch of friends who are sincere about helping you hook up, half the battle is won. Unfortunately, Ed does not seem to have any of such friends. Being his friends we have let him down. We sorry bastards.

I am not saying that he cannot get a partner – okay he cannot. To the Hells with the politically correct horseshit. I mean, this is a guy who just graduated with a degree in business (well-educated), went to Australia for a ‘road-trip’ (wild and romantic spirit) before he embarks on his career. A tight budget made him and his friends eat instant noodles (thrifty) while they were in Down Under, and when he returned he quarantined himself because he feared he had the swine flu (responsible).

Personality-wise he is not domineering or anal-retentive. He is just one of the boys, doing normal things, talking normal things and being normal. Hell, even his political facts and understanding of the totalitarian country he lives in are straight from the social studies textbook. Moderate, not overly critical, certainly not dumb, does sports, a teetotaler, no vices (at least not that I know of), a normal fellow. He may not be tall, dark and handsome, but he is certainly way beyond of what I looked like when I had my funny looking dental ASSets.

If ornery whoresons can find themselves a girl, I don’t see why such a morally upright (I mean this in a loose sense, taking into consideration our prevailing moral and social ‘values’) cannot ‘break the duck’. There is obviously something very wrong with the world. Or is it just our females?

I think women in general are too defensive. As Alex ‘Hitch’ Hitchens rants at Sarah Melas in Hitch, ‘Do you know why falling in love is so damn difficult? It’s because you women are so damn defensive!” ( cannot remember the exact line, but you get the point.) Some women think that a guy who talks to her is either tying to sell insurance, peddle Gawd to her or try to score with her. It has not occurred to their ROYAL HIGHNESS that the guy who talks to them may be just be doing what he appears to be doing - talk. Why slam the door straight in the guy’s face?

Maybe another reason why women behave like this (now I am referring to the local breed) is due to our culture. Contrary to what the regime would have you believe, Singapore is NOT a caring society. People are just commodities, they treat others like commodities, they think in terms of dollars and cents, they are afraid to lose and this applies in love as well. Forget about romantic love in this country. It’s all about pragmatism. No money no honey. From the evolutionary point of view this is not irrational. Females prefer good providers so that they can pass on their genes in relative safety. You may argue that females are getting more promiscuous so what of this evolutionary impulse. You are not wrong. However, there is a difference between finding a prick on a Saturday night for your five minutes of pleasure and finding a provider who is admittedly, more lasting, even in the modern day context of increasing divorce rate. The former is not taking any real chances, save pregnancy and STDs. There is normally no emotional baggage in a good fuck. In love people have to open up their life, and when you open up you risk getting hurt.

Having said that are many people happily (and not so happily) attached as we speak. There are also people who look upon every weekend with dread because they are lonely. Sad , but true. I don’t know about Ed. If he doesn’t play football with us every Saturday maybe he would be doing something else. I don’t know, but I am willing to put money on him staring at the four walls in abject fascination.

I see it in his eyes. Ed needs a girl. Somewhere out there is a suitable female for him and all he needs to do is to seek her out. Easier said than done, given his non-adventurous character. I think he just needs to let loose a bit. He does not seem to be very confident but lots of losers have gotten themselves laid. If they can score, why not Ed?

On a last note, I shall try to be a true friend and advertise his availability here on this obscure blog. I don’t expect success, but people do strike it rich in the lottery despite the odds.

At the risk of sounding like a bloody MSN pop-up ad:

Singapore, male, 25 years old, 1.7m, 55kg, degree in business, friendly, nice, sensitive, faithful, sporty, appreciates the simple pleasures in life. Looking for a nice girl.

Please leave your contact details in the Hate Mail or in the comments. You may also contact me at falloutmeow@gmail.com

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