Thank You for Whoring (A Boxing Day Edition)

I met Chicken at Vivo City for the Xmas countdown. While waiting for him to finish his phone conversation with his Chinese girlfriend I walked around in the shopping mall. There were many people but the festive atmosphere felt manufactured. There seemed to be something wrong in the air. I couldn’t place a finger on it. I was glad when Chicken finally arrived. Vivo City was making me increasingly suicidal.

We decided to drive to Orchard Road to look at the bright lights but it was a bad choice. The roads were jammed and the fuzz had to be deployed to ease the traffic. While we were stuck in the jam, Chicken and I talked. He said he went to his wife’s place to give his son the Xmas gift he bought for him but they weren’t at home. Then his wife messaged him, saying their son was sick and the father had gone missing. It was quite depressing.

We drove to some back road near SMU. Chicken told me he used to go for supper with his yoga instructor (later girlfriend) after the lesson ended. He brought me to a coffee shop nearby and the food was great. There were a lot of people, mostly foreigners. I saw quite a few dollies. Chicken told me that many of these worked the KTV lounges and pubs in the vicinity. Sex and great food complement each other.

After we finished our food, I called Hoo and asked him if he enjoyed his Xmas party. He didn’t say much but from his tone he sounded quite frustrated. I don’t see why a xtian bloke - a particularly desperate one at that - could fail to find himself a girlfriend in his church. Chicken and I felt that it should be quite easy to score in that kind of environment. We told him to meet us at Geylang (GL), much to Hoo’s delight.

The three of us met at the fish tanks and began a leisurely stroll towards Darlene hotel, which can be considered the ‘Central Business District (CBD) of GL. The sights that greeted us were a hundredfold more interesting than what we got in the city area. The fuzz walked alongside disreputable characters and cheap foreign laborers from India and Bangladesh. Ladies of the night smiled at us coyly, their handlers openly extolling the virtues of their merchandise. Voyeurs and men in desperate need of young nubile bodies prowled the streets. The coffee shops were busy, their seating filled to capacity. Noises of traffic, dulcet whispers promising pleasure and the bantering in a dozen tongues filled the air. GL never sleeps.

We walked outside the main thoroughfares, much to the chagrin of our xtian friend. Chicken and I told him to relax. He would get his sightseeing soon. Returning to the main streets, we passed a stretch occupied by Indonesian professionals. They charge S$70 – 75 for their services. We were not interested.

Walking farther, we came to China Street. The three of us leaned against the railings and enjoyed the view of the side street. Most of the merchandise on parade was quite enticing. Their shapely figures were captivating, their smiles and sales script of “lai ma…yao ma?” identical, as were their price of S$100. Hoo started to babble about nothing in particular. Chicken and I ignored him.

The area before Darlene hotel was both the CBD and Tiananmen. A bevy of Chinese beauties stood in rows. Occasionally a bloke would make his purchase. The transaction would take place in a room in one of the hotels nearby. The professionals’ handlers sat or stood as they pleased – and looked out for trouble. Chicken commented for the umpteen time about the quality of our women compared to these Chinese ladies. I had to agree. He said that Chinese women are aesthetically more pleasing because in China the weather is cold (apparently this is better for the skin) and they eat natural fruits and less meat and processed foods. He visited his girlfriend in Shanghai and the food they had were a lot fresher compared to the slop we have in Singapore.

We sat down for a break behind Darlene hotel and continued to ogle the merchandise. There was a buxom and bespectacled Chinese professional seated next to me. She reminded me of a teacher. I smiled to myself. Maybe she teaches by day and earns extra income after classes. To think I am considering pursuing a teaching career. Maybe we will be colleagues one day.

Hoo could take it no more and we directed him to the fish tanks. He was still infatuated with the ‘No. 178’ he had on Saturday. After he went in, Chicken and I took a leisurely walk back to the CBD. We visually inspected the merchandise and discussed the merits of the various rental goods. We were accosted by a couple of the professionals. We politely declined and continued our ogling.

We even bought drinks from the ice cream man besides the Darlene hotel. The old bloke looked quite tired – I thought he had the best job in the world. We moved to the back of the hotel and chilled out. The ‘teacher’ was not around; she was probably giving private tuition. Chicken and I shot the shit and carried on our inspection. There were cars driving past slowly. Most of the drivers and their passengers were either voyeurs or jerks out to make fun of the professionals. They should be more respectful. Their mothers/daughters/wives/girlfriends/sisters could join the industry one day.

To our surprise Hoo joined us not long after we sat down. I had thought he might end up paying an additional $50 for the time extension – it happened to him on Saturday. Anyway, we retraced our steps and my xtian friend said he would never visit such places again. He claimed it is a waste of money and he pitied the girl. (That obviously didn’t deter him from exploiting her however – how very xtian.) Hoo said the same thing after his ang-pow performance on Saturday and I believe he would be back,

You don’t need to be a Dawkins or Hitchens to deconvert a xtian. Just bring him to GL. Rather GL than the church I say!

We retraced our steps and enjoyed our last round of sightseeing. Down the dark alleys we went, the professionals from India, Vietnam, Indonesia and Thailand and their handlers seemed to bid us goodbye. The fuzz were walking around but not arresting anybody. They were keeping the peace very well and I hope they can keep up the good work. In spite of the economic downturn, GL industries continue to maintain profitability. When loyal customers come to get laid despite being laid off, you know that the business model GL operates upon is one of effective customer relationship management (CRM). I believe that GL should be used as a case study in all Business classes. Universities and polytechnics should organize a learning tour for their Business students so that they can relate theory to actual application.



(P.S: Gab just asked me about GL. We discussed about business concepts relevant to managing this industry. It is a pity my university course does not require me to write a thesis. If I were to do one on GL, I would definitely score a distinction. Maybe I will do it, just for fun.)

Stress

Working on my Marketing modules for the past two days has left me mentally exhausted. There's still much work to be done. I've more cramming to do. My group project report is due this Sunday so I've to compile and proofread it.

No rest for this infidel.

I borrowed a few comics: Get Fuzzy, Garfield and The Incredible Hulk. The animal (cat)humor and the "Hulk Smash!" no-brainer violence should alleviate some stress.

Singapore became the first country in Asia to declare a recession. Hearing our esteemed leaders tell us to brace ourselves for job losses and salary cuts is tragicomical. We don't really need our overpaid millionaire politicians to announce to us something that happened months ago. Talking about job losses and salary cuts, shouldn't our leaders put their money where their mouth is and lead by example?

Only in this country will the citizenry tolerate such balderdash from their leaders. Uniquely Singapore.

As the recession deepens, more businesses will collapse or "restructure". Many of these people who are thanked for their services will be from the lower rungs/non executive positions. On one hand, the number of job positions will decrease, and on the other more people will find themselves on the streets. Economics does not always run along the lines of direct proportionality; sometimes the reverse is valid.

The extraordinary spectacle of 50 applicants going through three rounds of interview for one miserable $1,600 non-executive position will be a common sight soon. It brings to mind the 1998 financial "crisis" that lasted four to five years. (According to my Economics lecturer that wasn't even technically a crisis.) If that wasn't a crisis, I shudder to imagine what would happen in the current one, with it being compared to the Great Depression of 1929.

100 applicants and six rounds of interview for the same $1,600 job?

Singaporeans are screwed and truly screwed hard. And we are loving it. The number if foreigners are so staggering that in a few years' time they will overrun this tiny red dot of a country. Right now, over 40% of our newborn babies come from couples whom at least one is a foreigner. Schools and workplaces resemble the United Nations. Look around Orchard Road and many of the "Chinese" you see are actually Koreans, Chinese citizens, Japanese, Malaysian/Indonesian Chinese. Throw in the obligatory "ang-mohs"and Indians and you don't even know which ones are your countrymen.

I am not suggesting that we close our doors like North Korea (although both countries share simlarities). I am hardly as xenophobic and racist as our friend Pauline Hanson from Down Under. While globalization is here to stay, our importing of so many "foreign talent" brings to mind Paris Hilton and her "open legs" policy on a Saturday night. Too many people in one tiny space - which reminds me of Miss Hilton again.

Do we really need so many FTs? Last time I checked, our country was still among the smallest in the world and our economy booming like our birth rate. It used to be that foreigners came to Singapore to do slave jobs no Singaporean would think of doing, or slot themselves in very well-paid positions in top management (usually Westerners get these). Now, they are here to fight with us for every job in every sector you can think of.

Rejected by default. A second class citizen in your own country.

I am not averse to having a little competition. However, I prefer to do so on an equal footing. How is a Singaporean to compete with a foreigner who asks for less pay, work longer hours, kowtow to the boss like his balls depend on it (it does: the employment pass lasts about as long as his being employed), and DO NOT have to return for three weeks of reservist duty every year?!

Indeed, why would any hiring manager employ a Singaporean? Okay, so maybe the bloke from Afghanistan insists on wearing a turban and speaks little English, but hey, he costs only $1,000! His academic credentials may be suspect, but he can still do the same job as a graduate from NTU or NUS. Maybe he's not so knowledgeable about laws and safety issues. There's nothing a nice coffee break or lunch treat with the auditors cannot solve. Throw in the KTV expenses and you still save money in the end. You can also be sure that the bloke will not disappear for three weeks at some impromptu time in the year.

$1,000 for one graduate from Al-Holey-Halal-Beef-Pork-WestCairo University or $3,000 for a local graduate from NTU who AWOL annually? You decide.

Our regime keeps wailing about our low birth-rates and the need to achieve work/life balance. Oh please shut up! How in the Abyss are you going to find time for dating when you boss expects you to work yourself to death for the company?! For some of us, working overtime is an obligation, meaning no overtime pay. (It is ALWAYS our fault if we do things slowly and inefficiently and cannot finish our work before five). When in doubt, the manager/boss is always right and if you are not happy, get lost - the management is itching to replace you with cheap labor from Sudan.

Buried under work. It's your fault for not working smart!

So we are not having enough sex. I wonder how the prudes in our regime can lecture us about sex when it's apparent from the way they speak they clearly haven't had any since the last time England won a trophy in football. It is not that we don't like sex. It's just that we are too damn tired from work, overtime and part-time studies to" exercise". And the regime never gets tired of telling us to upgrade ourselves or lose out in the climate of globalization. There goes your weekends and family day.

Work/life balance is largely an urban legend. If you were in top management, earns big bucks and can afford a Mercedes that can take you from Tuas to East Coast Park in 30 minutes flat then yes, congratulations on your transcendental balance both in your bank accounts and life. For the rest of us, it's work, studies, the credit on the flat and bank loans, payments on the kids' schooling, insurance, fear of retrenchment, monthly expenses, trying to find some time for the better half and the valiant attempt to find some quality time in bed (I don't mean sleeping), and the wretched train journey the morning after your "quality time" in bed.

Back to the foreigners. In the current climate, employees will be very discriminating in their hiring process. Spare me the crap about managers being very busy and have no time to read through resumes - they will. Remember, you have plenty of people fighting for one post and you can cherry pick and in the end it's all about value for money. First class honours degree on your resume? That bloke who spent six years to complete his bachelor's scores first (cheapest) on his Expected Salary column. Then there is Moha Diabee son of Precious grandson of Dickson Imbecilhamed (degree from XYZ University) who promises to work like a dog for even $500 less than the slacker who wasted six years in university. It's all a Dutch auction and there is only one winner.

Perceived value for money. Cheap labor. Cheap. When in doubt, go cheap. Foreigners are cheap. Locals are expensive. Go figure. Go cheap. Their quality may not be guaranteed. Their resumes may be fake. They may not understand the culture. But it's all right. They are cheap. Just close one eye and all will be well.

They are still allowing foreigners in like water in the present climate. I am certain Singaporeans who lose their jobs will be happy to take a massive pay cut to compete with these "foreign talents". That is, of course, if the pathetic salaries they ask for can offset the rising transport fees and expenses. I cannot imagine what is going to happen to the poor sods who are married and have children. Quarreling over money and household expenditures. The wife gets sick of her bum of a husband and spreads her legs for some rich - probably foreigner - who is romantic in his spending. The children are screaming for more toys when their parents are struggling to keep their jobs. It does make you see life in a new perspective and brings a new dimension to the catastrophic mating campaign called Romancing Singapore.

If the regime is going to continue importing more foreigners, may I offer they be selective about it. First of all, STOP taking in these Chin-nas from China. They are loud, coarse, rude, and quite a few of their women end up moonlighting under the glamorous red lights of Geylang. Others become experts at snaring desperate local men whom are rejected by our own women (apparently our sweat and tears, trials and tribulations during two wasted years in national *services* can't compare to the romantic and sensitivity that ONLY a well-heeled and well-traveled Caucasian bloke can provide). It's all about the citizenship and nothing about love. As for the Chinese blokes well... I may be biased here, but I get the feeling they are here to have fun instead of studying because their rich folks from Red China want the best for their "best and only darling boy."

Import some ladies from South America please. They are hot, passionate and friendly. They are always in the running for Miss World and Miss Universe. Think Brazil, Argentina, Venezuela, and Mexico (okay it's Central American but the country produced Salma Hayek). Anyway, these Latinas are piping gorgeous and if we get maybe 5,0000 over here I bet my house our birth rate will go up. Out with the mercenary, materialistic, bimbotic, loud, and uncultured China women. Throw the lot (remember to keep a few gems of course) to the States. Better still, throw them to Wall Street! These Americans and their FAT cats deserve them.

Real talent please. We might win the Miss Universe pageant one day.

Import some Arabic ladies as well. Yes, they may be Muslim but we are a multi-cultural society and as long as they integrate themselves I don't see any problem. Hell, they might even promote true racial harmony better than these stupid campaigns we have been enduring for since our Independence. I mean, you don't want to be racist to your hot girlfriend from Saudi Arabia and end up cold and lonely in bed. That will be so stupid.

I have a feeling that these lovely ladies (oh truly 1000 Nights of Arabia!) will enjoy staying in secular Singapore. No fashion police like those back at home. A bit of hair sticks out from the burkha - arrest. Accidentally show a bit of leg under the billowing and suffocating desert costume - arrest. Hold hands with a bloke in public - arrest and a possibility of your lover being stoned and you suffer some other grisly punishment. Here, we have no such stupidity. At any rate, we blokes, our friends in the police included will be more than happy to see 'em Arabic darlings walk around in a sexy tight dress. If you got it, flaunt it! Yeah!

Sexless in the City apart, I think we should also do more for Singaporeans. All these work schemes in the WSQ will amount to nothing if people cannot enrol due to work commitments. It's not that Singaporeans are lazy, but employees are often wary of the number of man-hours being wasted by allowing their employers to go for training. If you are pursuing a part-time degree, you can effectively rule yourself out - or be ruled out - by potential employers who think just because you are learning and improving yourself you are showing less commitment to the company. The phrase "learning organization" has been used so many times that it has become a cliche and an outright lie.

If the regime sincerely wants to help people, if they have even a shred of conscience (dare I ask too much) they should reimburse employers for the "loss of man hours' each time their workers undergo training. They should also put in place incentives for people who promote a learning environment and who honestly want to upgrade themselves. I am not asking for social welfare. I am just asking for a helping hand for people who want to learn so that they can contribute better.

Shorten the period for reservist training. If you cannot get a bunch of soldiers to work themselves into reasonable fitness when they have one whole year to prepare for their physical fitness test, then you ain't gonna achieve this miracle in say, 3 weeks. As we upgrade military technology do we really need to spent so much time doing very arduous military exercises when we should be looking at the best way to murder our enemies in the most effective manner?

Most of our soldiers have at least tertiary education, meaning we should be reasonably intelligent. Are you going to ask this lot to charge up the hills and swarm their enemies like the Red Army? Of course not! (I don't think half will make it up the hill in the first place.) Play to your strengths! Educated people are used to using their brains. Involve them in decision making and concrete discussions. Ask them how things can be improved. How to best utilize our technology and destroy our enemies. Some dirt and mud are to be expected in the military of course. I am not suggesting a pure classroom environment. But many things can be done more efficiently and effectively and every effort should be made to improve and expedite. Save resources, and more time can be given to our blokes for work and family.

Speaking about military service, I think it's only fair that if foreigners are going to stay here and pledge allegiance to the flag they should be made to do compulsory military service. It pisses me off when I see them rich foreign kids coming over to enjoy our citizenship and infrastructure and NOT having to work for the privileges they have. I don't have the statistics but I wonder how many of these will leave for some developed countries like the US and Canada when they are sick of life here. Our red passport is definitely a good platform if you want to emigrate. If these people are so damn loyal, prove it. Our lads in the army will definitely welcome some "Hanson", "Kim", "Li" and "Precious' in the book in/book out books. You want to talk about acceptance, and integration, about being part of the family?

Hit the ground and f**king suppress fire soldier!

Okay... I guess I should stop the rant now. Get back to Marketing 201 and Marketing Mix Management 203.

If you are offended, please leave your hate mail in the C Box.

I'll put up some nice pictures in my next post.