Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Need to Survive

I have avoided the drop! It has been a long and bitter season, but I pushed on with every ounce of mental fortitude and physical determination. I deserve to be applauded for what I have achieved.

* * * * * *

I have been sick for the past two days. My fever has just broken the day before. My throat is sore, my vision is blurry and more sensitive to light than usual, and I just discovered one of my teeth at the back is chipped and the rotted black in the centre.

Conclusion: If I do not get the Hells out of this Shithole soon, my dear friends, you can expect to attend my funeral in the near future.

Well done, FIFA!



No goal! Sepp Blatter and his fellow village idiots refuse to implement video technology.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

World Cup

Five reasons why this World Cup is the worst ever.


Idiotic referees

Australia were robbed in 2006, and four years down the road, the officials still have their sights on them. Tim Cahill was unjustly sent off against Germany, and against Ghana, the ball struck Harry Kewell’s arm and he was ordered to go.

Brazil’s Fabiano handled the ball twice a la Thierry Henry and fired in against Ivory Coast. The Chileans, Brazilians, Portuguese have been employing systematic fouling and most fouls were not punished with a card.

The USA was robbed of a legitimate goal against Slovenia and when they scored against Algeria, it didn’t count.

More idiotic judgments from the men in black to follow!



Crazy ball


It means ‘joy’ in some primitive tongue, but the Jubulani is anything but that. Across long distance its flight is erratic and suddenly picks up speed. An absolute nightmare for goalkeepers, it has received much criticism from Messi and the other players. A ‘supermarket’ ball like this should not been allowed in any backyard, let alone the greatest stage in world football.


Uninterested players

In keeping with their cultural tendencies, the French went on strike for the umpteenth time. The French team can talk about how much they hate their coach Raymond Domenech but regardless of their grievances, they certainly have no right to capitulate in such an abject manner. It makes you wonder why these players, who are behaving like petulant brats, and cannot beat the likes of South Africa, Mexico, and Uruguay, are still being paid millions to kick a ball around for 90 minutes. They should be lynched.

The Italians came to defend their crown, but ended up, in the immortal words of Gattuso, ‘playing like billy goats.’

Please don’t insult goats. A goat can at least be interested enough to attack, unlike these overpaid spaghetti lovers, who cannot hit a barn door from five yards.

Save for Ghana, who are still flying the flag, all the African teams have been eliminated in the group stages. One would expect that the African teams, who have many players plying their trade in lucrative European leagues, to do a little better. Sadly, like their French and Italian counterparts, they could not be bothered.

What more can one say about the English, who are so bored in their hotel rooms that their ennui is following them to the pitch? Listless, unimaginative, boring, and dreary, and it’s obvious they just want a holiday in the Caribbean’s..


Dour defensive play

At the time of writing, 103 goals have been scored in 49 matches. This translates to an average of 2.1 goals per game. It is the lowest scoring WC ever, which is not surprising when you consider the defensive play adopted by many teams. You know that the WC stinks when even the Brazilians are playing like Italians. Defend, defend, defend, let’s try to sneak a goal from a set piece or mistake…



Theme Song? What theme song?!


Football tournaments are also known for their fantastic theme songs, tunes to which anyone from three to eighty can hum to.

Euro ’96: Lightning Seeds’ Three Lions; Euro 2004: Nelly Furtado’s Forca

France ’98: Ricky Martin’s The Cup of Life, Korea/Japan 2002: Anastacia’s Boom (okay I admit it sucks); Germany ’06: Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie

South Africa 2010: Shakira’s Wada Wada. Why Shakira again?! Couldn’t they find anyone else?! Sloppy! Anyway, few people even know there is a theme song for this WC...

Football Friendly

AS23’s friendly against the Belgian and Luxemburg Association (BLAS) ended in a 4:1 defeat.


It was the team’s second defeat against the expatriate side, the first having concluded in a 6:4 reversal.


The team indicated their intentions when they bought in new players. It took a while for the teams to get settled in the scorching weather. Against the run of play, AS23 took the lead. The striker chased down a long clearance from his defense and smashed the ball past the hapless BLAS custodian.


BLAS soon levelled matters with a well crafted goal. A long ball from deep was cushioned by their left winger into an unmarked BLAS striker, who scored with an emphatic header.


The play was scrappy but it was evident the expatriate side were winning the aerial challenges. They pressured the AS23 goal, but were let themselves down with their profligate finishing.


A defence-splitting pass from centre midfield found the AS23 right winger, whose pinpoint cross found his lurking striker. But he took one touch too many and the BLAS back line was able to clear.


The near miss woke BLAS from their complacency. AS23’s offside trap was breached and the BLAS striker finished with aplomb.


AS23 attempted to assert themselves but they foiled their attacking play with misplaced passes.


Miscommunication at the back for AS23 saw their keeper and centreback collide as they went for the same ball. The latter had to be stretched off for treatment.


With AS23 trailing at half-time, they opted for a more attacking formation. The move nearly paid off soon after the restart, as the team forced a series of corners and carved out several opportunities.


By then the expatriates were tiring and AS23 had more forays into their half. Their left winger did well to skip past the lumbering BLAS right back but his cross was cut out.


Then the AS23 striker blasted an effort straight at the keeper.


Having committed men forward in search of an equalizer, AS23 were leaving gaps at the back. The BLAS forward capitalized on a moment’s indecision from the AS23’s back line and duly made it 3:1.


It was the team’s goalkeeper to get in on the end, clearing his goal kick into a BLAS striker. 4:1 the score, but hardly a true reflection of the balance of play.


To their credit, AS23 continued to attack but it was not to be their day, as the Belgian side ran out 4:1 winners.

A Moral Lesson

My gulag mates put this up in the pantry.









Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Philosophical Observations


Allow me to expound the undefiled wisdom of philistines. Take heed and learn.



Section A: One Night in GL


My friend and I were treated to the astonishing sight of a ‘relations manager’ (pimp) haranguing a family. I don’t understand Hokkien but according to my friend’s translation, the relations manager was livid over some photographs the family took and their daft comments about the sleaze in the red-light district. So what did these idiots expect to see in a whore district?! If I were him, I would be pissed off too. When you make your living from a shadowy economy, you don’t really want some moralistic fool snapping photographs of your operations and then sending them to the authorities. Last year I gave XH a tour of the area. Despite my warnings, he was daft enough to openly take out his camera for a shot at the central business district there and immediately the relations manager glared at us and started to walk towards us. We had to keep the camera in a hurry. If the businessmen there were so protective of their district at a time when there was no merchandise on sale (the place was heavily raided by the fuzz at the time), imagine their feelings when they are actually running a business and some interloper threatens to curtail their operations. It was just as well for the stupid family that they were holed up in their car, and that there were some fuzz nearby. If they had enacted their stupidity in some other country they would probably have had their car windows smashed – or worse. Judging by the moralistic hypocrisy I dare say with a certain degree of confidence these twits are probably xtians.


While the manager was abusing the cretins in front of the Darlene Hotel, his business partner was complaining to a few uniformed fuzz behind the building. Unwilling to hang around in this volatile environment, the merchandise skunked off to a quieter place. There were uniformed fuzz around in the Holy Land that night. The World Cup screenings at the coffee shops had united diverse peoples effectively. You could see smelly blackamoors of various nationalities rubbing shoulders with locals and people from other Asian countries as they thronged in front of the TV screen. Violence is surely inevitable at some point. Losers will take out their frustrations the wrong way and the winners will relieve the tension with the strumpets. Allowing more prostitution in the area serves public interest, and the presence of the fuzz in various districts deters would-be aggressors.


Section B: Coffee near the CN Flat.


My friend observed that Shitholer females like to apply thick makeup to their faces before they even step out of the house. He asserted that they lack self-confidence, which is quite true, considering that many are quite fudgy. Citing from experience, he pointed out that many of the Chinese broads apply little or no makeup at all. “When your skin is creamy smooth, you don’t need to do yourself up like a ghost,” he argued. I totally agree with his assessment. When you apply a thick layer of some noxious chemical substance to your face, your face cannot breathe. Do it for five years straight and it’s inevitable that your skin will look old and wrinkled even before you turn thirty. Indeed, this is probably why cosmetics are always a good sell – to cover up the damage done by cosmetics!


We also lampooned the idiots who write for those blasted fashion magazines. Women who read their trashy columns will surely think that the ‘ideal woman’ is thin and non-curvaceous as a lamp post, and will seek to achieve this ridiculous image by’ starving’ themselves by eating only potato chips and paying a small fortune on some ‘beauty’ courses, losing two pounds in a week and then gaining it back by drinking water. Compared to their Shitholer counterparts, not many Chinese women go to such extreme means of beauty care, and they are on average, still aesthetically superior! It is time for our highly educated local women to put their educated brains to good use and improve their looks the right way.


Section C: Personal Reflections


After living for five years together, being man and wife in every aspect except for the solemnization of marriage, Bloke A finds solace in the ladies of the night who work the rounds in swill holes. He makes an important distinction in the company he keeps and pays for. Some ladies are for ‘boob squeezing’. For those who aren’t, they provide a listening ear for his troubles and worries. Despite his intercourses with these ladies, Bloke A claims he loves his wife, even though their attempts at procreation have always met with failure. I wonder what troubles are so special that he cannot confide in the one he professes to love. One suspects his troubles may run along the lines of ‘wife being a dead fish in bed’, and ‘…asking for more LV bags and cosmetics’. It’s funny how whores are trusted as much as bankers are. On second thoughts, it makes sense. Both screw you, but at least whores give you a good time while doing it.


Monday, June 7, 2010

Still Morally Empty

My friend and I went to the Holy Land on Saturday night and were impressed with its expansion. Across the road from the India district now lies a festering hotbed of desperation, populated by unwashed masses who are easily the scum of Asia. The denizens stank up its alleys, and groups of blackamoors thronged the dank narrow passage, ogling at the merchandise that were selling for $20 – 30 apiece. We had to literally hold our breath as we gave the goods a cursory inspection. There is truly no benevolent and caring god; moral strictures do not exist in that diseased area of venomous vice and shattered dreams. Yet there is a kind of liberation in despondency and surrender, a resignation that binds together an ostracized brotherhood, a refreshing honesty that goes beyond manufactured morality and hypocritical facades. One cannot help admiring the sheer entrepreneurship that allowed shrewd business people to see the potential in abject misery, and to fill this broken niche with equally broken fulfillment.

...................................................


Chicken called me at work. He said that it was a bitch working with Police Car on the same machine. The rest of the people were goldbricking in the crew room, leaving the structure trade to prepare for the commencement of the rectification. Poor Chicken had to get the technical publications and tools himself while Police Car was telling another colleague how virtuous that Thai slut of his was. Apparently she rejected a suitor who drove a ‘big Mercedes’. The person to whom he was crapping naturally admonished him for being naïve, as is the wont these days.

Hoping to patch things up, Chicken told the ‘carrot’ that I miss hearing from him. The carrot remained silent. I told my friend that it was really stupid falling out with your mates over some Thai gold-digger, considering he did not even get to have sex with her. He agreed Police Car is a loser. I am not the only person who lectured him regarding this sordid affair, but somehow I seem to be the one he is most pissed off at. Maybe he is sore that once again, this avowed atheist is right. And every time I get it right, it is like a hammer blow struck against his piddling faith. If he still does not come to his senses, I may expound Satanism to him. It should wake him up…but then, maybe not.