Pain and Frustration

I endured a totally shite weekend.

The opening day of the English Premiership saw the Toffees make fools of themselves at Blackburn. David Moyes seems desperate to prove he is no Mourinho and unfortunately he was hugely successful on this occasion. Fielding five centre midfielders, a rightback who is not technically good enough to pass or put in a decent cross, and a single striker upfront, Moyes appeared to have instructed his players to hoof the ball long at every opportunity. This tactic might have proved effectively against a YOG football team, but against the big ogres in the Blackburn lineup, it was never going to work.

For the first 15 minutes, the game looked destined for a goalless draw but Howard in the Everton goal decided the game needed a goal to liven things up. One has to applaud him for his extraordinary feat of dropping the ball behind him after he came out and claimed it with both hands. It was a shocking goal to concede and once again highlighted the fact that our American goalkeeper is not Neville Southall and will probably never be anywhere near his standards. Howard is not a bad netminder. He is reliable as Premiership keepers go, but he is susceptible to long shots and makes the most ridiculous mistakes. Given Joe Hart’s brilliant performance for the Shittizens at White Hart Lane, Shay Given could find himself warming the bench, and –pardon the pun – that is surely a given. I say we go for him to keep Howard on his toes.

Osman is a distinctly average player, totally devoid of pace and physical presence. I don’t know why he is earning tens of thousands of pounds a week as a professional footballer. He was anonymous against Blackburn and if we are going to break into the Champions League spot – a unlikely scenario – we should just offload him to any bidder and contribute the money to the Landon Donovan fund. We desperately need pace down our useless right flank and Donovan was brilliant there during the ten weeks he was on Merseyside. Bill Kenwright should also put up donation boxes outside Goodison Park for this purpose. Since we are so skint, we may as well look the part and beg for money.


The Shite are now above us in the league with a draw against the Arse. Wenger may be known as ‘The Professor’ in football circles, but his obstinacy in sticking with Manuel Almunia between the sticks betrays his permanent head damage. (What kind of name is Manuel Almunia anyway? It sounds like manure with ammonium – definitely one of the most shitty names around.) Mr. Shitty is a walking horror movie. A couple of good saves, three or four flaps at crosses, and being beaten at his near post from an acute angle just about sums up the man. You never know what he is going to do. At least with Robert Green and Paul Robinson, you have consistency as the both are consistently crap. They won’t give you heart attacks like Almunia could. If the Arse still had Seaman in goal they would have won at least a trophy instead of going trophyless since 2005.

Anyway, Reina, normally so reliable, made a mistake for once as the ball cannoned off him and into the net. Thank Gawd the Shite didn’t win. I attribute his mistake to ‘The Almunia Effect’. My English teacher once advised us, ‘If you read lousy articles, you will write rubbish English. Rubbish in rubbish out.’ He must be on to something there. I figure that Reina must have been watching Almunia’s rubbish goalkeeping so much that it must have affected him subconsciously. Almunia had truly redeemed himself, albeit in the most ironic manner imaginable.


I am suffering from cough, sore throat, blurry eyes, the sniffles, exhaustion, and am possibly running a temperature. The strain of eking out an existence in this shithole is taking a debilitating toll on me mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. If I don’t get out of this Gehenna soon I will surely die. I feel sorry for our newly born babies. Their parents are to be blamed for bringing them into this shithole. Such irresponsible parenting!


Reports of the YOG’s success have been peppering in the state media. This is truly an extraordinary case of self-deception and a disgraceful study of media manipulation. In truth, nobody gives a rat’s ass about the YOG. The regime should have admitted their failure and not give excuses for wasting taxpayers’ money on such a travesty. Our journalists are really crap as well. They cannot write proper lies and the diction of their YOG articles is as insipid as drying paint. These good-for-nothing fatheads should learn from the great Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. Better still, the regime should just sack the whole lot of these sorry bastards, send them all to work in construction sites, and use the money to hire the former Iraqi Information Minister. At least we’ll have some laughs and not be bored to death by our crappy mass communications graduates.