Derby Blues - It's a Fucking Disgrace!

Existing in a bloody shithole is bad enough as it is without having to pour oil into fire with a dreary weekend and yet another derby day defeat. Every day people step off tall buildings and bridges without the benefit of a parachute or bungee rope and it is all too easy to see why.

Everton had the perfect opportunity to take the game by the scuff after the Shite had a man sent off but much to the frustration of every bleeding blue heart who watched the game they inexplicably failed to do so. With the number of red cards meted out since the inception of the Premier League, the Merseyside derby is the most ferocious contest in world football.

For long periods neither side played football. It was hoof ball all the way, a twisted parody of the percentage game and ‘see who can kick the ball farthest’ a la American football. Fouls littered the game, tempers frayed, Fellaini carried off after an X-rated challenge by a Redshite player, and to sum it up the game was basically shite.

Once again, that fat Spanish Waiter from across the street got the better of David Moyes. Excellent motivator Moyes may be, but his lack of tactical onus was exposed for all to see in this travesty. Facing the weakest Redshite team in years, Moyes chose to play a negative 4-5-1, content to soak up the pressure and hit one on the break.

From the start it was obvious that it was not going to happen. Osman was anonymous and it beggars belief that such an average player is picked every game. What is so infuriating about Osman is that you don’t know where his best position is. He is definitely not a striker (no killer instincts), a winger (not fast enough), a playmaker (not creative enough), a centre midfielder (he is definitely not abrasive like Cahill, nor is he even close to Arteta in terms of vision). He is like James McFadden – long periods of mediocrity punctuated by occasional flashes of brilliance. But at least McFadden could dribble a bit.

Once Fellaini was stretched off, the game was as good as lost. With no defensive bulwark in front of the back four and our main aerial presence gone, we were losing 50-50s at a shocking consistency. A defensive centre midfielder should have been introduced to plug things up, or maybe Cahill or Osman should be asked to drop back, but no, Moyes had other ideas, and it was to bring on a half-fit Arteta. Talented the Spaniard may be, he is no scrapper. Now, with Donovan, Pienaar, Cahill, and the foregoing mentioned attacking (or trying to act like they were), and Osman pulling a disappearing act David Copperfield would have been proud of, the space in the centre of the park now resembled a yawning chasm.

The BBC reported that Tim Howard had his eyes on another type of football – the Super Bowl – this weekend. Well, the goalkeeping coach should have told him to keep his eyes on the right football instead. What in the Hells was Howard trying to do, trying to push Kuyt away (and failing miserably) instead of keeping his eyes on the ball?! You can point the finger at Neville who was outmuscled by the Dutchman, but at least he was doing what he was supposed to do! A decent goalkeeper should be a master in his penalty box, but sadly, Howard was not even capable in his six yard box! If we had a pound for every stupid mistake or soft goal we conceded this season, we would have been richer than the Shittizens!

Saha looked disinterested and who could blame him? All strikers prefer to have a striker partner, and every time we played 4-5-1 Saha was made to beat the opposition defence by himself. Before Euro 96, Alan Shearer played in Terry Venables’ ridiculous Christmas Tree formation and as a result went ten internationals without scoring. Once England switched to playing two strikers, they reached the semis. Hell, Shearer even won the Golden Boot! France might have won the World Cup with one forward upfront, but then they had an incredible midfield spearheaded by Zidane, and an uncompromising back line thrown in. And back to Saha, the sight of him isolated in attack, reduced to chasing down long balls and being pushed and shoved around by the Shite’s ogrish defenders was heartrending. If Moyes expected we could score playing like this, I think he ought to check himself into the nearest psychiatric ward.

While he is getting his head examined, he might as well go for an eyesight check. It took him until the 70th minute to realize things were turning to mush and his brilliant solution was to replace Saha and Osman with the Yak and Victor “I can’t score in a brothel’ Anichebe. He should have left Osman out and partnered Yakubu with Saha from the start. And Anichebe? He is really a bleeding disgrace! He is not first choice for a lousy Nigeria squad and I don’t think he will be first choice even if he plays for this shithole. What passes for our football association should offer him Shittizenship in exchange for playing for our ‘national’ team. Since they like foreign trash – sort, I meant talent, serious! – so much, I think Anichebe would fit right in alongside his useless and overpaid African brothers.

I don’t know who is the technical coach at the club but I think he should be sacked. Everton players are highly paid professional footballers and for the life of me, I cannot understand why they could not even cross the ball! What is so difficult about clearing the first defender?! I don’t know, maybe the ball was too heavy? Every time we get the ball on the flank, we have to pass it around and allow the opposition defenders time to regroup. We also lose the ball this way and leave ourselves exposed to a speedy counter attack. Why can’t we just thump it?!

I have a solution for Moyes: Sign me up. I’ll only ask for a fraction of what Osman is getting and I daresay I deliver better crosses. Hell, even if I can’t do shit, I’ll at least bother to look interested. With the club skint and our chairman in danger of taking up begging to make ends meet, I am surely excellent value for money.

People learn from their mistakes and it is obvious Moyes is a hard case. He doesn’t quite realize that our best performances came when we played 4-4-2. Against the Arse. Man Shitty, and Chelski, we played 4-4-2 and caused them all sorts of problems. But explicably against our bitter rivals, Moyes turned tortoise and played with five across the park. And after playing passing – and winning – football, it’s back to hoof ball again. What the fuck, Moyes, these are professional players! Surely they could pass the ball and move their asses a bit, mate?!

And where the Hells was Coleman?! The club claims to pride themselves on youth development and giving promising lads a chance but after his sparkling debut against Spurs, he just disappeared from the scene altogether! In Donovan, we have – at least until he returns to the States in March – a right midfielder who is fast and enterprising and who do we give him for support? Phil Neville! The guy’s a good professional but he cannot cross the ball even if he life depends on it. Why not give Coleman a chance? He’s fast, strong, fearless and has good attacking instincts. The Merseyside derby is the best game to blood him, but no, Moyes lost his guts! I thought the Scots were made of sterner stuff…

Eleven men against ten men, and being made to look ineffectual and silly. With a one man advantage we could not stretch their defence, lost every ball and came out second in every challenge. Surely it is enough bullshit as it is. We are playing the league leaders Chelski in a few days’ time. Do me a flavor, Moyes, play ten men behind the ball and maybe we won’t lose 10-0. I rue the day I support Everton.