Predator

I am going to terrorize my prey.

Going Random

Several Premiership games were cancelled in the past fortnight due to the deep freeze. Word has it that it is the worst winter in fifty years. Perhaps this is a sign that the world is ending soon and the next generations may well be the last of a civilization that will soon be reduced to dust. No big loss there. Nature would be better off without this particular parasite.

Chicken told me that one of his colleagues injured himself while lifting a tow bar. This pathetic specimen slipped and scraped off the skin off his hand. For a staff sergeant to make a hush of such a simple task is laughable. My friend’s next statement was sobering though. He said that while we dismiss local specs as inferior, they are not wrong in their criticism of us either. “If they were on the scene, “ he went out, “What would they think of us local guys?” He had a very good point. I refuse to be associated with my ilk.

My martial arts practice will only resume after the Chinese New Year. This leaves me with little opportunity to practise my skills, for the area in my neighbourhood is not secluded enough. It is hard to concentrate when some riffraff and stray animals are gawking at you with a noticeably lack of intelligence. Maybe I should join XH, assuming his master allows it. This arrangement comes with its own difficulty, as our styles are as disparate as day and night in many ways. I will have to locate some dark location.

It appears that many people are catching the flu these days. I am not surprised. The weather in this shithole is about as predictable as a emo woman on premenstrual syndrome. One moment the sun is out, the next a drizzle, and then it is sunny again. Even the sun does not give out as much warmth as it used too. The winds are another phenomenon. Gentle as they are, they chill the bones and with the sun reduced in intensity, it is all too easy for disease to spread. We may yet witness a plague in this shithole. It would be quite….entertaining.

Xmas Eve

While the rest of the world were partying the night away in the city area, Chicken and I spent an hour or so in the Holy Land. The merchandise were out on display, thanks to the fuzz having the good graces not to spoil the festive mood. I noticed that business was brisk. It is not uncommon on other days to see many shoppers but few buyers, but obviously with the year end bonuses and the joy that comes with sharing and giving, consumers were willing to indulge themselves and so boost the economy.

Fuzz Car wanted to join us in the city area but opted out at the last minute. His phone message to us, although short, was straight to the point and betrayed his secret need: “I won’t be joining you. If halfway you want to go to GL (the Holy Land), call me.” This was not the first time he ‘launched airplanes’ on us and it certainly would not be the last. Chicken and I cursed him vehemently. This is a bloke who professes to believe in his invisible sky fairy, goes to his church and puts on an act with the fellowship thing, and indulges in gambling, goldbricking, lying, and whoring. A hypocrite and a pathetic one at that.

Unlike our wretched friend, the staff in the Holy Land stuck to their tasks. They knew they had a job to do and in spite of the holiday, still provided entertainment to needy consumers. I have nothing but respect for these ladies of virtue, who could teach the slackers in the military and government sectors a thing or two about diligence and professionalism.

Chicken and I sat down, had coffee, and shot the shit. He fantasized about catching his boss in the act of soliciting a lady of the night and getting rich persuading him of his worth. We guffawed at the joke, at the same time admiring the statuesque beauties a few yards from us. I would have enjoyed our little chat even more, but for the fact that my stomach was clenching uncomfortably from some slop I ate. I believe it was caused by that horrible swill which the Brain and I had the misfortune to order when we ate at Thai Express. I had been stricken with flu, am suffering a cough, and become more susceptible to stomach aliments. I need lots of Chinese slop, in particular holy meat, to restore me to health.

The Great Escape!

A miracle has occurred: I have escaped relegation! So despondent was I in my belief in my relegation that I dreaded this very day. But no! The Lard and the Almighty Curve had deigned to deliver me from my endless trials and tribulations and by Their Glories – praise be Their names – I shall no longer be compelled to endure hostile scenery and work with retards both garden-variety and functional.

The farewell lunch my gulag mates treated me felt like my last meal. I trudged towards my gulag, trying to delay the inevitable – for it had seemed like a confirmation of my collapse – but I knew I had to face it sooner if not later. I sat down on my seat, worked on some issues, thought of logging on to check, decided not to. And so I tallied, until I decided to get it done and over with and then go to the holy temple to assuage my depression by dumping.

I logged on, but the connection was shaky. Obviously many desperate people were clogging up the system. When I got the page, I realized to my chagrin my password had been rendered invalid. I attempted to reset it but to no avail. I called up their technical support and miraculously someone actually answered the call! I could barely contain my surprise as I told the support staff to reset my password. She said it would take thirty minutes to an hour. I asked her why and she replied it was because they reset passwords by batches! Batches! I had never heard of anything like this and told her in no uncertain way what I thought of their infernal IT system. Of course, since she was quite professional I added that it was not her fault of course. It was just that their system sucks. I thanked her for her help and ended the call.

So I settled some issues and toyed around with my own IT system for a while and about forty minutes later I tried and true to her word, I was able to log on. I went straight to the ‘Exam Results’ button. As the page refreshed, I braced myself. For all I knew it could be a straight three defeats and bottom of the table.

It was not to be! Imagine my shock when I saw that I have escaped to victory! I could barely believe my eyes! Like Iniesta who kneeled and threw up his arms to the heavens upon the final whistle of the World Cup final, there I was, both my arms raised, fists to the ceiling as I leaned backwards in my seat. I looked at the screen again. No. My eyes had not deceived me. Just to make sure, I clicked on my ‘Academic Profile’ and they showed me the same results. My GPA was not too bad either – by the standards of my school my overall grade should place me in the ‘second uppers’ tier.

I printed out my Course Offer Letter; it displays my results for this season. I messaged the Brain of my deliverance. Still shell-shocked, I returned to my seat, stood, and started muttering to myself. My gulag mate, who was sitting behind me, asked me what happened. I told her the news. She offered me her congratulations. I thanked her, walked aimlessly around the gulag, decided yet again not to go to the holy temple, got a cup, walked to the water cooler, filled it with cold water, rinsed my face, and then splashed the water into my stoned face twice. My gulag mate saw water dripping off me and was quite amused. I told her I needed to make sure I was sober. I then ambled to the big room where my other gulag department mates were, and then one offered her congratulations. The other two followed suit and I told them it was a miracle and how relieved I was. When told that I could now concentrate on getting a better job, I said my immediate aim is to sleep the next month away to make up for three years of sleep deprivation. Some new graduates buy themselves gifts, others party away the night. Me? I sleep.

As I have to wait until the middle of next year to receive my hard-earned piece of paper, I will need to write in to get my attestation letter. I do not know how much they will charge me. My ex-senior said she was thinking of attending her graduation ceremony she missed due to work commitments. It is nice to put on that robe but the thought of going to see hostile scenery does not appeal to me. Regardless of my decision, I am delighted to leave that Gehenna with a piece of paper I richly deserve.

Miracle on Saturday Night

A miracle occurred:

CHELSKI: 1 EVERTON: 1

We were negative in the first half, deservedly trailed, but came back roaring in the second half and battered the vulgarians. The excellent Baines weaved past four defenders on the left flank, whipped a cross into the box, Cahill beat his marker to head it back across goal, and Beckford made no mistake from close range. A beautiful goal!

Beckford has been lampooned for missing a host of sitters against Sunderland and West Brom but at least he was enterprising enough to get into positions to squander them. Contrast him to Saha, who looked like he could not be arsed, and I cannot remember the last time he scored. On current form I won't mind if we ship him out and free up some wages.

Despite struggling in the first half, the central midfield pairing of Fellaini and Rodwell recovered to boss the middle of the park. It was a blessing in disguise that the out-of-form Arteta was suspended. Heitinga, who is definitely no Makelele, did not play. We should just persist with Fellaini and Rodwell when we play the Pie-Eaters next weekend.

More Moans

There is much hullabaloo in the local media about a Caucasian bloke French-kissing a sgspec on the train. Apparently they were petting heavily for six stops, seemingly oblivious to the glares of their fellow passengers.

I do not understand what the fuss is all about. Some condemn their actions, arguing that Shithole is an Asian country and such behavior is simply unacceptable. Others lament that local blokes are losing their women to foreigners. While it is certainly true that our overpriced women no longer give a damn about us, I do not see it as a big loss. Insofar as the local specs are concerned, these gwailos can take them all. Just leave the cnspecs alone.

I remember Chicken telling me that the Thai blokes hate having us in their country. We go to Thailand and have our way with their women while they helplessly look on. I do not blame them. Sometimes I feel exactly the same when I see a gwailo pawing an attractive cnspecs or sgspec with impunity. It makes me wonder why the Hell we have to waste two years of our existence serving this miserable cuntry so that foreigners can come here and fuck our specs. It is, of course, pride talking. Most sgspecs (who are not up to mark anyway), should just be carted off to the gwailos. I should thank them for doing us a good turn.

I believe I may have been banned on www.toffeeweb.com for being too strident:

“Michael, I am offended by Oakes’s language too.

HE’S BEING TOO MILD!

A rag-and-bone man will actually give you a few coins for your trash, but with Kenskint you’ll be lucky if he does not charge you for waste disposal! Why in the Hells is a beggar like that fat twat running a Premiership club? If he had any decency he should just put the club up for sale and shut his smelly trap about seeking investments 24/7 and not finding anyone to buy the club. He clearly cares NOTHING about the fans except to think that we are all retards. That skunk should be thrown in a gulag in North Korea and re-educated.

As for that ginger-furred mongrel, he can join Kenshite in North Korea and take Osman with him. Overrated, overpaid, uninspiring, tactically staid, obstinate he is; watching Everton play is about as entertaining as watching paint dry. I wouldn’t mind if we swap managers with the Shite. Hodgson made no excuse for his team’s dismal showing; all that ginger twat could say in defence was to blame a fucking water bottle. A fucking water bottle! Why, it’s that fat Spanish waiter blaming the beach ball all over again!”

Most of my subsequent comments were not approved, even though they were on other topics. Everton is a shite club and even its fan site sucks. I curse the day I support the Toffees.

Everton Horror Show

David Moyes play 4-6-0 against Chelski. Everton ship four goals in first half and two more in the second. The final score? 6:0.

Anichebe and Hibbert start on the right flank against Chelski. All six Chelski goals come from that flank.

“Feed the Yak and he will score,” the fans chant. A well-fed Yak puts on the pounds while his teammates lose weight from covering for him. Besides, on current form, the Yak cannot even score in a brothel.

After hearing Heitinga’s declaration that he would cycle to Barcelona to join them, the reigning Spanish league champions send him a stationery bike.

David “Golden Balls” Beckham rejects a loan move to Everton to play for S-League outfit Tampines Rovers.

Barcelona score after stringing 30 passes. Everton concede a goal after stringing 29 passes and then making the 30^th pass to the opposing striker.

Everton drop into the relegation zone following their dismal collapse at Stamford Bridge.

Former British prime minister and interfaith dialogue facilitator Tony Blair reveals he supports Everton. The news does not surprise the Everton faithful, who have been subsisting on faith that Moyes will grow some brains.

In a desperate move to solve his players’ striking woes, Moyes takes his squad to a Merseyside brothel for team-building over the weekend. The Blues duly lost the game the following day 10:0, citing exhaustion and learning from the ladies that “since we are cunts, we might as well behave like cunts and surrender our cunts.”

Excellent Videos!

Some excellent videos!

This is one cringe-worthy commercial. The spec is good though....

This must be one of the best army recruitment commercials ever! The song is catchy too. For the slightly less inspiring version, click here.

Forget "My Boyfriend Our Army". This is the real deal!

It is like watching Everton.

Thoughts

While we were in the Holy Land checking out the merchandise, Scandinavian Blonde Lover remarked that he was still a virgin. I thought he was just bullshitting at the time but during evening slop yesterday, Chicken said it could be true. He added that a 35 year old virgin was something he could never abide. I jokingly said that this sounded like a job for Pastor Ho a.k.a Fuzz Car. Under his tutelage, the Scandinavian Blonde Lover shall surely become a libertine in no time. My friend agreed with my assessment.

Chicken told me of this champion and his exploits. When he was still a fuzz, he jerked into his colleagues’ drinks on two occasions. After they nabbed Champion, they found around 150 pictures of up-skirt shots in his computer. This bloke is truly a most impressive specimen. Chicken wondered why such a thing had happened in our society. He should not be so surprised. Big cities are potentially pressure cookers, and the strain of eking out a miserable existence in such overcrowded environments will naturally drive some people to suicide or inspire the execution of extraordinary feats. It will not be long before we have a serial killer running loose. Mark my words.

The news has been quite entertaining these days. North Korea fired artillery shells into South Korea, killing four civilians. The South Koreans, despite their policy of compulsory military conscription, have not the balls to retaliate. Seeing their lapdog being kicked around, the U.S have made the obligatory responses by condemning the North while doing nothing concrete. It’s basically handbags at seven paces and now they are asking China to get in the act. The master of a dog urges the master of the dog that bit its dog to tighten the lease on its dog. It amuses me to no end. China is fighting a proxy war and doing pretty well.

I found this article while site-hopping. While I quite agree with most of it, the last paragraph irks me.

Why should the Chinese change their way of life as Westerners dictate? Is it not so long ago that the 2009 global financial crisis, which started in the U.S., was caused, to a large extent, by people spending beyond their means and racking up crippling debts in the process? How easy it is for Westerners, with their high purchasing power, good social support and benefits, to demand the same laissez faire attitude towards spending from people who are not as fortunate! There is nothing wrong with retirement planning and saving for healthcare. The only thing that is wrong here is the arrogant attitude of the West and their insistence that the world pander to their self-serving policies.

Contrary to the beliefs of some people, the universe does not revolve around the U.S and the western hemisphere. With Western economies in tatters and the rise of Asia as an economic power, Westerners should refrain from telling other people what to do. The guai lo will just have to face up to the fact that their dominance will not continue for much longer. Besides, if the Chinese have to spend more to boost their domestic consumption, it stands to reason that their wages will have to be adjusted to increase their purchasing power. As Chinese workers’ wages increase, so will the prices of Chinese-made products. Will consumers and companies in the West be willing to pay more for goods then?